How to Ask “Are You OK?” With Scripts That Help
Every September, Suicide Prevention Week invites us to turn good intentions into action. One of the most powerful actions is also one of the simplest: asking “Are you OK?” It is a small doorway to a bigger conversation, and it can interrupt isolation, lower shame, and connect someone to real help. Below, you’ll find a calm, practical guide on what to do before you ask, how to ask, and exactly what to say next.
Before You Ask: Set the Stage
- Choose a private, low-pressure setting. A short walk, a car ride, or a quiet corner helps people talk more freely.
- Regulate first. Take two slow breaths, drop your shoulders, and soften your tone. Your calm helps theirs.
- Be specific about what you’ve noticed. Concrete observations feel safer than “You seem off.”
- Clear your agenda. Your role is to listen, not fix everything in one conversation.
Starter line:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter and canceling plans. I care about you and wanted to check in. Are you OK?”
How to Ask (and Keep It Going)
- Open, direct, and kind. Avoid hinting. Ask the plain question.
- One question at a time. Let silence work; don’t rush to fill it.
- Reflect and validate. Show you heard them before moving to solutions.
Therapist script (baseline):
“Are you OK?”
“Thanks for telling me that. It sounds heavy. I’m really glad you told me.”
If They Say “I’m fine”
Sometimes “I’m fine” means “I’m not ready,” not “Everything is great.”
Script:
“I hear you. If ‘fine’ means ‘keeping it together,’ I get that. I’m here when you want to talk. It can be today or later. Would it help if I texted later to check in?”
Follow-up text you can send that evening:
“Thinking of you. No pressure to reply. I’m around if talking would help.”
If They Say “I’m not OK”
Thank them first. Then get curious about what support looks like right now.
Script:
“Thank you for trusting me. What’s been hardest today?”
“On a scale from 1–10, how intense does it feel right now?”
“Would it help to make a small plan for tonight: food, rest, or someone to sit with?”
Offer practical help, not just advice:
“I can stay on the phone while you eat or tidy up.”
“Want me to sit with you while you call your doctor or therapist?”
“If you’d like, I can help you look up local and virtual resources.”
If You’re Worried About Suicide
Ask directly. Research shows that asking about suicide does not plant the idea; it opens a safer path to help.
Direct question:
“Sometimes when people feel this overwhelmed, they think about suicide. Have you had thoughts about wanting to die or not wanting to be here?”
If they say yes:
- Thank them for telling you.
- Ask about immediacy, plan, and access.
“Are those thoughts right now, or more in the background?”
“Have you thought about how you might do it?”
“Do you have access to anything you could use?” - Increase time and distance from danger.
“Would you be willing to put meds in a lockbox or ask someone to hold them?”
“Who could be with you tonight?” - Connect to help. Offer to call or text 988 together, reach a therapist, or go to the nearest ER/urgent care if there is immediate danger.
If they say no:
- Acknowledge and continue support.
“Thanks for answering. Let’s still make a plan for support because you deserve care for what you’re carrying.”
Therapist Scripts for Different Relationships
For a close friend or partner
“I love you and I’m on your team. What would feel most supportive tonight: listening, problem-solving, or just company?”
For a teen or young adult
“You won’t get in trouble for telling me the truth. On that 1–10 scale, where are you right now? If it’s 6 or above, let’s loop in an adult you trust or text 988 together.”
For a coworker
“I’ve noticed you’ve been carrying a lot. I’m not here to pry, but I care. Are you OK? If not, I can help you think through resources or take a quick break together.”
For men who default to ‘I’m fine’
“No need to have the perfect words. On a good-to-rough scale, where are you today? Rough is an OK answer, and I’ve got time to listen.”
For someone grieving a suicide loss (postvention)
“I’m so sorry. There’s no right way to feel right now. Would it help to talk about them, or would quiet company feel better?”
What Not to Do (and What to Try Instead)
- Don’t minimize: “It’s not that bad.”
Try: “This sounds really hard. I’m glad you told me.” - Don’t jump straight to fixing: “Here’s what you should do.”
Try: “What feels doable in the next hour?” - Don’t make it about you: “When I went through this…”
Try: “I’m here for you. Tell me more about what today was like.”
After the Conversation: Small Follow-Throughs that Matter
- Send a same-day check-in. It says, “I didn’t forget.”
- Offer one concrete action. A ride, a call, a meal, or help scheduling an appointment.
- Encourage a safety plan. A short list of warning signs, coping steps, people to call, and reasons for living.
- Keep the door open.
“I’ll check in tomorrow. If you want to reach out before then, please do.”
If You Need a Quick Script
- The opener: “You’ve seemed overwhelmed lately, and I care about you. Are you OK?”
- The validate-and-ask: “Thank you for telling me. What would help right now?”
- The safety check: “Are you having thoughts about suicide?”
- The connect: “Let’s call or text 988 together, and I’ll stay with you.”
- The follow-up: “Thinking of you. I’m here. How are you this morning?”
A Gentle Note on Your Role
You do not have to be a therapist to ask a caring question or to sit with someone as they reach for help. Your presence is not a cure, but it is powerful. If you want support learning these skills, or if this week is stirring up more than your calendar can hold, I’m here. Reach out and we’ll find a time that works.
Stay well,
-Dr. M
Crisis resources: If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 or chat via 988lifeline.org for 24/7 confidential support. If you are outside the U.S., please use your local emergency number and crisis resources.
