An Empty Chair at the Table: Coping with Holiday Grief
The holiday season has a way of amplifying emotion, especially when someone you love is no longer here. With Thanksgiving arriving this week and the rest of the holidays just around the corner, the reality of an empty chair at the table can feel especially tender. Coping with holiday grief is something many people quietly struggle with, even while the world around them appears focused on celebration, gratitude, and togetherness.
If you’ve recently walked through International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day on November 22, you may be feeling the aftershocks of that experience. Whether you attended an event, reflected privately, or simply felt the significance of the day from afar, it can bring up a wave of feelings, thoughts, memories, questions, or even numbness. And now, with Thanksgiving just days away, those emotions may feel even more present.
But even if your loss isn’t related to suicide, grief during the holidays has a way of becoming louder. The empty chair, the missing voice, the traditions that don’t feel the same, these parts of the season can hit unexpectedly. You may be doing your best to participate, to show up, to cook, to smile, to “feel grateful,” while inside you’re carrying something heavy and deeply personal.
If this is you, please hear this:
Your grief is valid, your pace is valid, and you are not expected to move through this season the way you did before your loss.
Why Holiday Grief Feels Especially Tender
Grief touches the holidays in a unique way. The familiar traditions, foods, smells, songs, photographs, and rituals become reminders of the person who is missing. Even moments that once felt joyful can stir sadness or longing. This is part of coping with holiday grief. It is not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It is a sign that your love still lives inside you.
This is especially true the week of Thanksgiving, when the world around you is buzzing about gratitude, family, and celebration. You might feel out of sync with the season, or even guilty for not feeling as cheerful or present as you “should.”
Grief is not a disruption to the holidays.
Grief is part of being human.
It shows up because you love deeply.
And whether your loss is recent, years old, sudden, expected, or layered, this time of year can bring it to the surface with surprising intensity.
For those grieving a suicide loss, this season may also stir up a complicated mix of confusion, sadness, anger, guilt, questions, or longing. Suicide grief often carries layers that don’t fit neatly into seasonal expectations. If that’s you, your experience deserves tenderness, not pressure.
Giving Yourself Permission to Do This Season Differently
One of the most healing things you can give yourself this week is permission. Permission to say no. Permission to step away. Permission to keep things simple. Permission to embrace joy if it shows up unexpectedly.
You don’t have to:
- attend every gathering
- stay the full time
- talk about your grief if you don’t want to
- “be okay” for others
- hide your tears
- keep every tradition exactly the same
You might choose to keep certain traditions exactly the same because they bring comfort, or you might decide that this year needs to look very different. You might stay at a gathering for only an hour instead of all day. You might simplify your plans. Or you might find small moments of joy that feel surprisingly welcome.
There is no right or wrong way to move through this season. There is only your way, the one that helps you feel steady enough to take the next step.
Rituals of Remembrance for the Holiday Table
When someone is missing, rituals can bring comfort and help you stay connected. They don’t erase the sadness, but they can give it shape.
Here are gentle, meaningful rituals you can weave into Thanksgiving or the coming holidays:
Light a Candle for Them
Place it near the table or somewhere meaningful. Let it symbolize that their light continues in your life.
Set a Place or Keep an Empty Chair
Some families find comfort in acknowledging the empty space instead of pretending it away.
Share One Memory or Story
It can be funny, heartfelt, or small. Memories keep the person alive in the room.
Make Their Favorite Dish or Dessert
The act of cooking something they loved can be grounding and connective.
Write Them a Note
A message you keep privately, tuck under a plate, or place somewhere meaningful can help you express what sits in your heart.
Do One Thing They Loved
Take a walk they used to enjoy, listen to their favorite song, or watch a movie they adored. Joy does not betray your grief.
Give Back in Their Honor
Donate, volunteer, or help someone else in a way that feels true to their spirit.
Visit an Event or Community Support Space
If you’re a suicide loss survivor, the reflections from November 22 may still be landing. Community grief spaces can help you feel less alone now and in the coming weeks.
Navigating Thanksgiving Gatherings With Care
Holiday gatherings can feel unpredictable when you’re grieving. Here are some gentle ways to support yourself:
Create a Plan for Comfort
Have a grounding object: a bracelet, a note, a photo, or something that keeps you steady.
Identify a Supportive Person
Let one person know, “Hey, today might feel heavy for me.” That way you have someone to check in with.
Take Breaks
A quick walk, a few deep breaths outside, or a moment alone in a quiet room can help you reset.
Plan Your Exit
Just because you were invited doesn’t mean you owe anyone your entire day.
Let Yourself Feel What You Feel
If tears come, that’s okay. If laughter comes, that’s okay too. Both belong.
A Note for Suicide Loss Survivors
If your loved one died by suicide, your grief may feel tangled, complicated, or hard to explain at holiday gatherings. You may be carrying trauma, unanswered questions, or emotions you don’t know how to share.
I want to say this clearly:
You are allowed to talk about them. You are allowed not to. You are allowed to remember them with love. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to take care of your heart. And you are not alone.
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day may have passed, but its support is still here for you:
https://afsp.org/international-survivors-of-suicide-loss-day
Your grief is real, valid, and worthy of compassion.
Moving Through the Season With Gentleness
As Thanksgiving approaches this week, and as the holidays begin to unfold, please know that you do not have to force yourself into a certain emotional shape. You can love the people around you and miss the person who isn’t there. You can feel grateful and heartbroken at the same time. You can laugh and cry in the same afternoon.
This season may feel different, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re human.
If there is an empty chair at your table this year, may your heart be held softly. May your memories bring comfort. And may you give yourself the gentleness you deserve as you move through the holidays: one moment, one breath, one day at a time.
Stay well,
-Dr. M
